19 (double date)

So Joe and I accidentally had a double date with Mio and Lei.

(I am going to pause here to clarify that Lei and Rei are the same person. Due to verbal differences between the Western and Eastern Worlds, one can translate L/Rei's name as either. She prefers Lei, but I always forget which one I am supposed to use and bounce back and forth. Sorry for the confusion)


It started with this box of Japanese curry that Yen Ni gave me. I'm super into that stuff. But I am kind of a disaster in the kitchen. So I thought that with this project, it would be good to actually read the instructions rather than my normal cooking procedure, which goes like this:

1. Put a pan on the stuff with oil in it and a pot of water. Turn everything up as high as it goes.

2. Pull out whatever vegetables you can find (generally potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, broccoli and tofu) (yes, tofu is a vegetable.) Rinse everything as fast as you can.

3. Chop everything into bite size morsels. Do this in order from quickest-to-chop to slowest-to-chop. Throw things into the pan as soon as they are ready to appease the now oil, which is quickly become loud and angry. Try not to get too burned by the flying droplets.

4. When the water boils, mop up all the excess that is sizzling on the stove and put in the most convenient starch product (pasta, rice, uh, lentils?). Don't measure anything, just make as much as will fit.

5. Turn the stove down, 'cause something is burning. Open the window and turn on the fan, which you forgot to do at the beginning (maybe because it was listed in the cooking procedures.)

6. Find a sauce and maybe some cheese and put that in the sauce pan with all that other stuff. Stir it around. Throw things of a powdery, grainy type nature in there (salt, pepper, cinnamon, curry powder)

7. Occasionally pull out a noodle or a spoonful of rice and taste to see if it is done because who the hell knows how long it has been in there. I don't even own a watch. When it is done put that, too, in the sauce pan.

8. Stir stuff until whenev. Pour everything into a popcorn bowl or vat or whatever you have that is large enough for this mess. Eat with crackers or bread.


This is best to be eaten at night, by the way. If you're sleepily confused, the process is more thrilling. I get bored in the kitchen if I have to wait for anything, so I cook frantically.

So anyway, I thought that this process probably wouldn't fly with the Japanese curry stuff, or at least it wouldn't bring it up to the standards I have come to know and love. So I went for the directions which were, of course, in Japanese.

So I did what any normal person would do, I found some Japanese girls to cook it for me. Joe and I arranged for Lei and Mio to meet at his house Saturday night for dinner and to watch Miyazaki's Castle in the Sky.

When I arrived at Joe's, Lei and Mio were on Joe's bed, giggling like Japanese girls giggle. And Joe was at the computer ignoring them. I had brought all the materials, so I dropped all of it off in the kitchen and as soon as I did that, the girls walked in and took over. Honestly, I intended to help. But they wouldn't hear of it. So Joe and I chilled out at the table and drink water and snacked on the baguettes which I had brought.

Dinner takes forever. For all their enthousiasm, Lei and Mio have very little idea how to cook. They dropped stuff a lot. I had to show Lei how to chop. And on top of that, Joe's kitchenette is less than fully equipped. It's lacking some of the more modern amenities, like knives designed for more than spreading. So that doesn't help.

In English, I tell Joe to imagine that these were our mail-order Japanese wives. I'd like to take them back to America with me, so they can awkwardly perform mundane tasks. Joe told me to be careful not to say that too slowly or they'd understand it. I decided not to tell him my new favorite joke is to tell Lei that we should get married.

For conversation, the girls demand that we teach them American pick-up lines. This means teaching pronuncation and explaining why they are funny. Or should be, anyway.


"Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my head all night." "It's freaking hot in here. Oh wait, it's just you." "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" I explained chloroform.
Joe and I decide that this is a better idea than hanging out at the bar every weekend.

The girls taught me how to say 'I am a cat' in Japonese and then fell into hysterics each time I repeated it.

Lei pleaded with me until I took a sip of wine which was super gross and mandated a huge gulp of water immediately after.

Dinner was awesome.

Lei occasionally grabbed my arm and just held onto it until it became weird and then stopped. (note: Lei is in love with me.) She does that kind of stuff a lot and I do my best not to encourage nor discourage her. Just let her do what she wants.

So after dinner was movie time. We crammed onto his queen-size bed because there's really no other place to go, no furniture and the woods floor gives monster slivers, especially when you slide across it in your socks. So to the bed!

We were arranged from L-R: Lei, Nicolas, Mio and then Joe. The computer screen was at our feet. About five minutes into the film, Lei started to slip off the side. Her eyes gaped open, then she bit the side of her bottom lip and made a gurgling noise. She clutched uselessly at the comforter and I made a half-hearted attempt to rescue her until she hit the floor and I cracked up.

Lei climbed back up and I made more space for her. There were only two pillows on the bed, so Lei used one and Mio the other. I leaned against the headboard, but that was uncomfortable so, there being no other place to go, I eventually leaned against Mio who promptly pushed her hand into my face. I didn't want to encourage Lei, who was still doing that weird arm grab thing every so often, so I her to change places. I layed face toward the screen.

I don't reallyl remember much of the film. There was a guy that looked a lot like Doctor Robotnik. I learned the French word for 'punch'. I recognized the word 'annihilate' which I had learned reading Nausicaa. Then I fell asleep.

I woke up during the credits to Lei doing more weird stuff. She kept poking me in the face. I got up to get some water and Joe followed me into the kitchen.

Joe: Dude! What is going on here?
Nicolas: Buhhh, water?
Joe: No, with Mio!
Nicolas: What are you talking about?
Joe: You didn't see it?
Nicolas: See what? I've been asleep for a million years, like the first chase in the film. I don't even know what the castle in the sky is.
Joe: Oh no, man. Everything went weird.
Nicolas: Spill!
Joe: Well, I was watching the show and I was kinda scrunched against Mio just 'cause of space issues.
Nicolas: Right, right.
Joe: And somehow I had turned a little and my back was towards her a little bit.
Nicolas: Okay
Joe: And she started giving me a backrub.
Nicolas: What? Why?
Joe: I don't know!
Nicolas: You didn't ask?
Joe: No.
Nicolas: Had you been complaining about your back?
Joe: No.
Nicolas: Had you been making weird groaning noises?
Joe: What? No!
Nicolas: Hm. Peculiar. Was it good?
Joe: Umm. Yeah. Actually, it was kinda awesome.
Nicolas: Nice!
Joe: No! Not nice! This is not supposed to be a date! I am not into Mio!
Nicolas: Even for free backrubs?
Joe: Well..Wait! No! Not even for free backrubs!
Nicolas: Then maybe I can get a free backrub...
Joe: Focus! I got to get these girls out of here!
(Thud from the other room)
Joe: Shit! My family is going to kill me!
Nicolas: Why, what time is it?
Joe: It's one in the morning!
Nicolas: Porkchop sandwiches! Get the fuck out!

We dashed back into the room where Mio had knocked an empty wine bottle over. Joe and I led the girls into the kitchen to get their things, where they promptly started to clumsily do the dishes. They really didn't clean them, moreso they banged them together and shot water at them. They refused to leave until they were finished, so after fifteen minutes they stomped back into Joe's room for their coats and I tried to get them to move a little more quietly.

So finally we get them out of the bedroom. Which leaves four flights of stairs to descend (Joe's house is crazy.) So we are doing our best ninja impressions and whispering to each other in French which is basically impossible and therefore whisper-giggling too. We get past the parents' room, to the final staircase, and Joe breathes a sigh of relief. But I guess he breathed a little to hard, because that's when he slipped and fell down the rest of the stairs.