11 (mugging)

I walk around Angers late at night a lot, say, post eleven p.m. And it occurred to me the other night that I have no idea if that's safe. It's pretty deserted when I get near my apartment and I'm generally out for a good twenty minutes or more. No one has warned me against this, but no one has approved it either. I'm assuming it's okay, because it's a college town. Then again, Ypsi's a college town too, and no one would would suggest wandering alone there in the dark. Quite the opposite.

But since I haven't gotten mugged yet, I don't think it's a problem. Which gets me thinking, that's gotta be a pretty valuable extracurricular source of income. Mugging, I mean. Tax-free, pick your own hours, no dress code. The kinda thing that would really work well for a college kid like me.

Well, this has started sounding like just a peachy plan! Let's work it out:

I don't want anyone I know to see me, so I'll have to go a decent ways from my house, maybe a half hour minimum in the opposite direction from school. It's shadier there anyway. That seems weird though. Do muggers commute? Or do they accost people in front of their own houses? Being legally blind, my host parent Pascal would be a good first round. I bet there are some pretty funny stories about thieves who accidentally rob their friends or family. There should be an inner city Funniest Home Videos. ("Alright, shut up and empty your pockets and I won't knock any of your teeth out. Hurry!" "Okay, I'm hur…Dad?!")

I need to have some memorized mugging phrases (in French.)
"Hey bud, got a light?" "Shut up. Give me all your money" "Don't turn around" "Be quick with it" "I'm gonna back away. Count to thirty real slow and then keep walking the direction you were." I guess I should know all those expression already. They're real…multipurpose. But what if my victim asks me a question? I'm still not great at understanding French, not from local speakers. They speak too quickly. I also feel like French people don't put up with getting mugged. I might just get ignored. Maybe not if I have a gun. Where do you get a gun in France? I still can't find deodorant. (well, women's deodorant.) Does anyone have a gun in France? Are you allowed to own a gun? Probably not if you're a residential alien. And a mugger. (that'd be an awkward gun license application.) Also I'm pretty sure I'd do a lot of damage to myself if I had a gun. It doesn't seem too long ago that I was still in high school and knocked dinner glasses over so often that my mother required me to use a sippy cup. But that might just be because I still have to use it when I go home. But I digress.

So then I have the money and I sneak off into the night. How much? I dunno how much money most people carry, I usually don't have more than thirty euro. Maybe fifty from a real grown-up? And a baguette if they have one? That might be pushing it. And then I have to walk thirty minutes plus through the shady part of town. That doesn't sound safe at all. I don't think I'm comfortable with that, even with my new gun. Who knows what could happen? Can muggers get mugged? Is there a mugger's union? Oh wait, I'm in France. Yeah, probably.